The Lord promises 

...to give unto them beauty for ashes,
the oil of joy for mourning,
the garment of praise
for the spirit of heaviness...
Isaiah 61:3

and I count on that truth in these days where my grief has been heavy.

Things were notably difficult during the on and off separation from my husband. I expected a conversation was due about where things would go. Had his walk and efforts stayed consistent and he had stayed the path he had started from Feb-May, I suspect that our conversation would have provided direction back into a marriage. But as his path had changed and he had started the slippery slope back to his old self... the conversation never happened as the old self engulfed the new man he was trying to be. Instead of a conversation there was a 3 day bender and coming home drunk in front of the kids. Sadly, the only time in  months I've seen him play on the floor with his children. He had made his decision to start another permanent separation. Once sober he tried to reneg, but he also always knew that his behavior would be my dealbreaking point as well so it doesn't take too much intelligence to realize that this is what he wanted by the choices he made - he just didn't want to be the one responsible for it. Easier for me to be the bad guy. I insisted we stay the course - but held out hope right until the end that we still hadn't reached the point of no return and there was a chance to back out but for now (for the protection of myself and the kids) this is where we had to be.

He moved into the basement suite for a week. And in his typical fashion - life became all about him. He couldn't handle living down there - who cares about the effects on the kids - he simply is unable to sacrifice hardship on himself for the benefit of anyone else, let alone his children. From those moments on, in fact, he stopped considering his kids altogether. He also, in his typical fashion, started out with one set of values... like... he wanted to be alone, he was in no position to start a new relationship, it would be too soon for me to and it would kill him to have a man up here even to visit with him in the basement. He must think me an idiot not to have seen his values change with the wind and what suits Dave. Within a few days he was showing interest in someone that had no interest in him, but his interest was peaked enough for him to start changing his tune... about how new friends would be fine, and when the relationship is strained for as long as ours then you feel ready to move on sooner. Of course there was still "i love you so muchs" intertwined in all of that.

But a man as transparent and moldable and a follower like him will do that and I expected it. A man led by his dink and in emotional pain and of weak character and morals... well, also very predictable. So within days of moving downstairs he was banging someone new. Not a surprise to me, but who it was with is a surprise and a psychiatrists dream. A woman the same age as his birth mother, a woman that is native (when he's the most proficient racial slurrist I know), a woman he used to hate and call the worst female slurs in the book, a woman of poor reputation, poor character and without moral compass. And a woman that used to be his best friend's wife and who knows his current situation, just days out of his marriage with 2 very small children involved. He moved in with her instantly and while she's unattractive and with a much different physique than myself - everything he hated about her and thought was gross about her changed the second she started opening her overused legs for him. And so he was sucked in... literally. He says there's nothing perverse about it and he's in love with her and thinking of marriage - he's clearly, to anyone with any intellect delusion, rebounding, and just plain gross himself. She's everything that I'm not - and not in a good way. While he's turned on by her skinning her own deer and hunting like crazy. He's intrigued by her spontaneity only becuase her daughter is 19 and he can live there with frequent sex (albeit with eyes tightly shut in the dark where she probably has him call her mommy), without responsibility, financial requirements, or the encumbrances that come with having small kids and being a mature parent. He consistently chooses his obligations and time with her over his kids.

When my grandpa died this past week, I had a day to make plans and get out to the funeral. Did my children's own father offer to tear himself away for 2 nights and a few evenings after work so take care of them in their own home? Did he jump at the opportunity to spend quality time with them here at all? Not even a smidge. Most of my friends didn't offer because my 2 kids on top of their 2 or 3 is overwhelming at best. But my lifesaver of a neighbour, with her 2 kids, and her daycare kids took my kids and my dog for pete's sake. And though he knows her he didn't ask about the kids or stop by to see them or take them for dinner to give her a break or anything. In fact... I drove myself to the airport and drove myself home in the midst of tears of grieving both my marriage and my grandpa. And it sucked to be at such a significant family event without a husband or someone to console me. So I chose to suck it up and just console everyone else instead. It was easier than having to feel all that by myself.

And I'm reminded that in my sorrow God is there. That he knows how much effort I put into this. And God himself told me that I did everything He asked of me. It doesn't matter where Dave thinks I fell short or if I made mistakes along the way. Nothing I did was a marriage dealbreaker. Nothing I did were grounds for abandonment, adultery and divorce. But now everything that Dave has done are biblical grounds for divorce and in a way he has set me free. I don't know how long it would have taken me to leave this marriage. I felt an obligation to keep on keeping on because for a while it just wasn't great, but just wasn't bad enough to leave. Not coming home at all becuase you're drinking and then coming home drunk in front of your kids while breaking every single promise you ever made to your wife and trying to justify it by blaming your wife - makes it bad enough. Showing disrespect to your family and the marriage that you did have by moving in with someone like the kind of person he moved in with and disgracing yourself and everyone else by screwing someone that's like your mother not only shows the depth of sickness in the disease of alcoholism, but makes you look like a fool for not realizing how obvious what you're doing is. You can justify it to yourself (age doesn't matter... she's got a good heart... I would have kept my promises.... if... ) just show that your word counts for nothing because promises to your kids were made (you and they will never see me drunk again... I will never drink again because it hurts my family). One day you will have moments of sobriety and realize the value of what you truly lost and know that you could have rebuilt a relationship with your beautiful wife and kids had you been strong enough. Your weakness means that you have to wake up and look at an old, haggard, loose woman that you will always have to make excuses for and defend her poor reputation. A different kind of woman that needs more prayer than I, for I will always survive... always. Dave always thought he was never good enough for me. That wasn't true, until now.

There was always hope for this marriage - even though small - until now. I asked for very little and my expectations were not unreachable. I wanted to see a man that was strong enough to see the value of his family - whether he was ready for it or not, whether he even wanted his kids or not - to rise to the occasion and see that this is your life and it's the only thing that has depth in your life. Dave through the only things that mattered out the window for gross sex with an ugly woman. It's mindblowing to everyone. My life will only get better from this point on. I will meet someone that is warm, kind, loving and compassionate. He will love me the way that God has wanted me to be loved and he will love my kids the way they deserve to be loved. He will be a man of strength and character that will bond this family together and he will be a role model for them as they grow up. Dave's life, unless intervened someone, will stay at this level or sink lower. He might be the one that financially succeeds out of this situation, but his life will be shallow and full of meaningless moments and wasted time as his family fades to black and becomes just a bill to him. One day there will be regret for the lost man that he could have been. He could have been a man that rose above, he could have been a man of true strength who stopped making excuses and blaming someone else for his choices, he could have chosen to reflect and choose to be a man less self absorbed. While he is the most self absorbed person I know, I think he found a new level of that selfishness in the past few weeks.

We all have pain in our lives. We all have sustained pain. You just have to walk through it and not lose perspective on what you're fighting for. Some people just don't have it in them I suppose. And in part, my fault, for thinking that Dave could be more than what he's actually capable of. I've lose any respect I had left for him, he has proven his word means nothing, and I grieve for the loss of my hopes and dreams for this marriage, but also for a man I had hoped could make it out of the pit that he had once wallowed in and for a friend I have now lost as well. If I could completely cut him out of my life and never see him again, I would because I'm too embarrassed to know him right now. But I would never be that selfish for the kids. I have daily pain too, but I'm not so selfish that I would make his choice and say "I just can't handle this, I'm moving in with an 18 year old and living in another city". I could never be that much of an idiot or that cruel. I always wanted to move on in a way that would be respectful and cause everyone the least amount of pain and discomfort.

Dave says that we just don't see the situation the same way. Well, there's one situation and only one way to see it. Dave and his old lady see it one way - everyone else sees it the way it is and everyone thinks he's pathetic. And really - even his old woman thinks his pathetic but while she's using him for sex she won't tell him that quite yet. She wants to feel young again and be in control and a mature man closer to her age she wouldn't be able to handle and would feel threatened. She chooses young 20-somethings to feel like she's still got it (even though the 'it' is just money and perversion). And because she wants the control. Men that are with her must be weak because they could never otherwise handle being so emasculated. Temporarily they feel like a man because they're getting their rocks off with an experienced - or more than experienced woman - but in reality, they are being used for the fact they are young and weak. That's the way she likes 'em and it would seem Dave's a perfect fit.

So they are perfect for each other. She actually could be his real mother and he'd never know, but any other woman that age I've talked to wouldn't have anything to do with a man that age and any woman of any age that has any self respect wouldn't have anything to do with a man in his circustances right now. So yes, we are very different and I'm glad that I'm different from him. I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror or look into my kids eyes if I were that way.

But as I come out of grieving for my marriage, my friend, my grandpa - I see better days ahead and hold onto the truth that God promises beauty after the ashes and hope for those in mourning. And I know that my kids can always be proud of me and my character and my actions. They will always know the choices I made for them and for myself. They will always know the kind of woman I am and will always be proud of me and that's gold.

When you go through any sort of trauma I think you find what you're really made of ... what really matters to you - if you're paying attention. If you're not or aren't interested then you're lazy ass will sit there full of regret, remorse, pain, anger, bitterness, victimization. You'll end up in "Poor Me Land" for so long that you'll just start looking for things to numb out the pain rather than deal with it, heal through it and learn from it. Alcohol, drugs, sex... you'll come up with a gazillion justifications for any  excess or immoral behavior and just ride it for as long as you can until you hit a new rock bottom.

But those breath wasters aside...

For me... I always had a sense of what mattered to me... but I didn't really realize how deep some of these things ran and how very essential they are to my life and how much I value these qualities. I could not express that depth other than to say it burns from the deepest parts of my soul. I can't say that I am perfect at exhibiting all of these traits all of the time - we all have times when we go against our spirit, but when I am living out these elements I feel better than ever and somehow harmonious. Very ethereal, intangible mumbo jumbo I know, but it's the real deal I swear!

So here it is. Tara's Stuff That Matters:

Truth - I can't even begin to tell you how much I value the truth. It means respect, it means love - to esteem someone enough to trust them with the truth is the biggest compliment... and the hardest task at times when the lie looks so appealing.

Integrity - how you live you life, your character, your moral compass, your sense of accountability. Integrity means you don't lie, cheat, abuse, take advantage of... it means  you treat other people well... it means you have self respect and it means you respect others. When you live it, people rarely question your motives - they always know that the you that you are despite the flaws, stems from a pure heart.

Humility- call it selflessness, call it just being a healthy humble being... I don't know, but whatever you call it, there is no denying that although all human beings are incredibly self centered - the ugliest thing in the world is a morbidly selfish individual full of self importance.

Gentleness - for men especially, a gentleness to balance their strength, is not only a huge turn on but also a rarity. It shows an ability to be vulnerable and real. If they don't have humility they generally don't have this one either. Those who have gentleness, generally have patience ( a much coveted quality I lack ). Those who are gentle are likely kind. It's underrated, but it's a top 10 for sure.

Self Control- I find this one powerful. I find that people that have the strength of character to deny themselves, to deny their desires when necessary for the benfit of someone else.. the ability to say no to yourself and think with the brain God gave you - using forethought, considering others, weighing consequences. That's hot dude... HOT!

In women, these qualities make them your most trusted, supportive friends. You can count on them for anythng and they deliver and no matter what, you always know their intentions. People will always be selfish, be we can forgive ourselves and others their absorption if we have a heart that counts for something.

In men, these qualities just make them hot. They are so rare in men that when we find them we are instantly drawn to them. It's not just that it makes them physically more attractive, but somehow we're drawn to them on a soul level. It's magnetic! And contrary to popular opinion - it shows strength, not weakness.

This is the stuff that matters... to me anyway. It's not the complete list - it's not in order of importance, but if I can live my life by what's important to me, it's a legacy I'm proud to leave to my kids as these are all things that would make them proud of me. I'm not on this planet for nothin'. I'm not here just to have a good time and seek to indulge myself. I, like all of us, have a greater purpose, one that I may not really know the fullness of yet, but I know the stuff that matters to me and I hope it becomes stuff that matters to my kids - cuz I kind of think it's important stuff!

This came into my inbox today and given the recent life changing events in my life, I thought it suiting...

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,
a season for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to rebuild.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.

 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
 A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

 A time to search and a time to lose.
 A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak up.

A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

So for me... I'm choosing to make this a time to dance!

I'm blue... so blue... very blue!

just cuz I love my kids so much! (of course if I could remember how to resize these pics in html that would be a good thing too!)

I think I have expectations that are just too high. I think that I overestimate men in fact. I'm not disillusioned into fairytale expectations but still I think that maybe I think that a lot of men have potential beyond what they are really capable of realizing in their lifetimes.

For example... in my life, I've had what I consider very basic expectations. Treat me - me as a whole person but focusing mostly on my soul - with respect first and foremost, then love. Treat me as my heart is important in your life and as if you'd love me forever whether I had a body to serve you or not. I mean let's get real. That's just not realistic. Men just aren't wired that way. We all know that. We all dislike it because it seems so shallow and animalistic and so demeaning to the whole of who we are. I think that in the quest for sex that men are so focused on to soothe them, affirm them and make them feel like they're "ok" - that they miss most of the potential that women have. The remarkable and multifaceted amazing qualities of woman are sadly lost on most men. It seems as though women have made such incredible strides over the past 50-100 -200 years in our society but I don't think most sociologists would commend men on the same because they had already arrived as leaders of the planet had they not?

So here we are. With amazing intelligence, creativity, flexibility and adaptability - charged with the ability to nurture, show compassion, exert strength, and perservere. And yet many of us feel unappreciated and as though our most profound qualities are only recognized if our partner's sexual batteries have been charged to their quota. How sad. No wonder it's so hard for many women - there's so much pressure on a base level that we're pulled down to that while we're trying to soar above and beyond.

Don't get me wrong. When there is love, when there is an emotional connection, a spiritual compatibility, that magical, mysterious, uncontrollable jive with your partner - sex is fantastic. It is the icing and the cherry on the cake and it makes the cake that is good taste even better. But when those other things are not in place, that icing just tastes bitter and the cake in it's layers of decadence are never appreciated because the icing is bitter, even if just for a time.

I guess I'll never understand it. I try to, God knows how I try! But I know I never will. Just like men will never understand the deep desires and needs of a woman. And that's why so many of them are not sexually satisfied. There are some that indeed have no complaints and the match they have found is so complementary to their own spirit that it just works most of the time. Unfortunately there are so many where this area is a problem and a large part of it stems from women being neglected in some way shape or form and to varying degrees.

What is it going to take for men to realize that if they treat a woman well, they will often - save medical issues - have any complaints with their sex lives? There's no need for books on this - when a woman isn't treated well, when her soul is neglected - there's no way she can give that away. As a lot of times sex involves a woman giving of her soul, not just her body. (though not always!). If what is so sacred in a woman is mistreated, the sex will die. It's an easy formula - it's not hard to prevent - but once you've crossed those lines... expect some hard work and a lot of time as the soul seems to repair slower than any other part.

I can't believe that I've had this blog and been putting stuff in here for over a year and a half! I just cleaned out and removed pages and pages of old entries and was amazed at where the time had gone.

It had never occurred to me before to clear out my entries but then my husband stumbled across my blog site.. .somehow... while using my computer ... apparently completely surprising him. And he read the previous entry that still exists here. Apparently that was as far as he read and he vowed to use his own computer from now on. There has been the odd - open email program or open website history open on my computer after he's used it in the past so I am sure in his insecurity he has found it hard not to do a little hide and seek with my computer. There's never been anything on here that I haven't talked with him or fought with him about anyway and it's never been a dave-bashing site. Any online friends that still mosy on over for a look anymore only ever just leave comments of prayer or support.

But still, I talked about it with a friend and it is a public and searchable site and when it felt as though he was telling anyone and everyone what a crappy wife I was I felt pretty uncomfortable. Now that he's found this and I'm sure, despite his denials, he'll be back again, I thought it was the better thing to do to start fresh. I'll still post here everything that's on my mind when it's on my mind - this site is about me, not him, how I'm feeling in general, but it'll be a bash free site for sure. Why a person would feel threatened by a bunch of strangers way off in 'net land I'm not sure - I'm frankly more concerned with the people in my backyard that are judging or passing out opinions like candy.

I am kicking myself for just clearing out the works as there was some damn fine writing in the past year and a half as well! oh well. all down the crapper now. I don't have the time to start a new blogsite, or format a computer journal and if he wanted to he'd track all those down too. Like most of us would - and we all, would also deny 'til the cows come home that we were snoopy lucy's too. (although I know a few that would be outright ballsy and just fess up right away!).

Nothing new has happened - the same ole same ole is exhausting enough. I've never divulged truly personal deets here anyway and I don't plan on starting. Let's just say the treadmill is going on an incline and speeding up and my damn legs are getting too tired to keep up with the face! Pretty soon I'll just be thrown off the bugger and land on my face 10 feet behind it... and there I shall stay until I feel rested enough to move! :)

So there you have it - it's all just getting worse over here... and I just keep trying to do better, what can I say?

 Murphy's Law says that it does. And so it has!

We've continued in counseling for the past month and our progress as a couple is negligible. Our own personal journeys are priority as they should be right now. We are each going through individual prayer time with others to have revelation and healing on things from our pasts that are affecting our present and future and that has been awesome. God has been awesome. He has begun a healing in me that is deep and profound and I have found a renewed sense of acceptance with Him. Dave has done the same.

But today, I am so spent. No progress as a couple, no change in my feelings, still feeling lots of pressure from Dave. And then... more stress. I had to put one of our dogs down on Friday, I sunk into this funk of a depression that I felt barely functional all weekend and then Dave couldn't stay at his friends house anymore and moved back in... and then we fought because he couldn't figure out why I wasn't comfortable sleeping in the same bed with him. The fact that we are still separated is all on me. He's got a list of all the things he's done or given to me as proof that he's changed and can't understand why I can't be with him physically. I'm pressured for hugs and cuddles every time I see him and I just can't reciprocate. I don't have the feelings to reciprocate and he doesn't understand that and is just plain mad about it and thinks I'm doing it on purpose.

Where are these big brained people that can just think a certain thought enough times like do-it-yourself brainwashing and then their feelings change in an area this significant. When people tell you to just change your thinking and then your heart will change. I get the concept - positive thinking is important. Maybe I just don't have the control or discipline necessary to have that much manipulation over my deepest emotions. Maybe I'll learn how to do it... maybe those that are telling me that have been through something like this and are speaking from experience and maybe they are not.  Either way... I'm just not there yet. And that idea just places even more pressure on me when that's the very curse I'm trying to lift!

So now with my husband back in the house. I feel depressed, I have knots in my stomach and all of those good advice-givers would say that it's my own fault because I'm not thinking the right things. I just want it to be right because in the midst of all this work I'm doing that at some point God gives me the right feelings at the right time and that there is a place for those romantic love type of feelings If you aren't attracted to a person, if you don't have desire, if you don't have that kind of love for a person, how can you possibly be intimate with them? That's the reason why you're intimate at all. I can be criticized for my flawed feelings and thoughts I suppose, but sometimes you just have feelings or lack of feelings because you've had a really tough journey with someone that hurt you and crossed many lines and the wreckage is still huge.

I hate the thought of starting over again. I hate the thought of not being a whole family and not being able to provide a stable completeness of family for my kids. I hate the thought of permanent separation altogether. I can't stand it and that's why I'm working on this against my heart and even against my will sometimes. But I don't know if I can stand a life without love either. I hope that those aren't the only 2 options. But this limbo of where I'm at... just feels like it's killin' me! And some days... like after the stress of this past weekend... it feels like I'm forgetting how to be myself anymore and frankly out of everything, that's the scariest part of all.